The kale turns darker after slow cooking, but still retains some of its purple tint.

It’s not everyday you cook a lawn ornament. It’s been centuries since anyone actually spit-roasted a flamingo, and most other yard decorations would resist any type of cooking method imaginable. Spaghetti and gazing balls, anyone? What about a ragout of concrete St. Francis? Does anyone know what oven temperature to use for two-frogs-on-a-loveseat?

Nope, ornamental cabbage is the only lawn decor I’ve ever heard of that makes a good meal. That’s because those ornamental cabbages you see lining the lawns of the Ladies’ Horticultural Society members’ homes are masquerading under an alias. Their real name is kale.

Even the core looks pretty.

Ornamental kale is every bit as edible as regular ol’ kale (they’re not trying to trick you  by putting it in the produce section.) It’s not only a tasty variety of leafy greens, but it’s spectacularly beautiful to cook and work with. The purple flowering kale I bought may have been cheap, but it could practically be a work of art.

I’m considering using a head of kale as a wedding bouquet –it’s that lovely. It reminds me of some kind of exotic sea creature, like an anemone, with its mass of purple stems like undulating tentacles.

Kale leaves, ready for the slow cooker.

In the South, most greens are cooked with a chunk of pork fat or a smoked turkey wing, and that’s dandy. All greens taste better with a bit of seasoning. But, try cooking a pot of kale in your slow cooker with Mediterranean-style seasonings and you may never look back. Olive oil, balsamic, and some fresh garlic are really all that’s needed to bring the kale to the height of its flavor.

Some may find kale to be too bitter, and it is one of the more bitter types of greens. For those who enjoy a peppery bite, though, they’ll enjoy the pleasant pungency. A quick blanching before tossing in the crock-pot removes the harshness of the bitter taste, leaving just enough to add a kick.

Blanching the kale leaves before tossing in the crock-pot.

Slow Cooker Flowering Kale Recipe

Ingredients:

2 bunches kale
1/2 large red onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
Salt and ground pepper to taste
Dash red pepper flakes
1 tsp balsamic vinegar
1 tbsp olive oil
2 cups vegetable broth

Directions: Bring a pot of salted water to boiling and add kale. Boil for 3-6 minutes, just until wilted to reduce bitterness. Drain and cool. Tear leaves into bite-sized bits, being careful to remove the thickest part of the stem. Combine kale and other ingredients in the crock of your slow cooker. Cook on low for 4-6 hours or more, or cook on high for 2-3 hours or more. Longer cooking makes the kale more tender.

Serve kale as side dish with any Southern-style or Mediterranean-style meal. And stay tuned, because you’ll love what I did with the leftovers.

Tip: Buy your own kale, no matter how tempting old lady Wanklestein’s looks in her front yard. The old biddy’s got the cops and the neighborhood association on speed dial.